measuring cups

I had a freaking revelation in a Starbucks today.

Jesus fills our measuring cups.

When I took on my new job it looked a little different that it does now. I am responsible for a lot more than I originally signed up for. I often feel as though I am drowning in responsibility and teenage hormones and I don't know how to deal most of the time.

I joke about it often, but fake it til ya make it is my new reality.

With this comes the idea that I need to impress everyone. Don't get me wrong, I could hide my terror for at least the first 2 weeks and would sit at my desk and cry for the first 2 weeks because daily my responsibilities were changing and I couldn't keep up. But much was expected of me, and I would not let people down...until I did.

I got "that" look. The look that says "I expected so much more" and "What kind of crap is this" and "you're a disappointment." Three strong phrases in one look, and I felt like everything was crashing down. I'll be honest though, I read a lot more into a look than I should have, but you didn't see it and and you didn't create it... I did. This is when I spiraled into a "survival mode." Staying up incredibly late trying to get things done so that I could be met in the morning with a "good girl" and a pat on the head like an animal - AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE DOGS.

I knew it was happening. I knew I was getting fixed on myself and I knew the dangers in getting so caught up in the mission and the organization, but I got lost. Before I could look at myself and see what I was doing, I got lost.

This summer was a dry one. (but not really because it rained all the dang time - Praise God.) I spent my time running around getting things done, making sure everyone was at least half way functioning,  filled, and not getting sick. I took on more stress than needed, mostly because I thought I held it all together myself. I took pride in my work, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I thought I had it. Then I got that look again, and it was like someone set the balls I had been juggling on fire. I couldn't keep up.

You would think I would drop the dang balls and run to a healer, but no, I just kept throwing them, faster and harder and I just kept dropping the dang balls... (okay, I am done with that analogy.)

I have hit a wall. Summer is OVER!!!!! But I sit here in this Starbucks, getting some work done and thinking about my list of to-dos sitting on my desk on the mountain top I call home, and anxiety and angst fill my heart.

I opened my bible to a familiar Psalm and read a passage I have inscribed in my mind, but apparently not on my heart. Psalm 23.

I first memorized this Psalm without knowing it. It was quoted at the of a live recording of "Running After You" by Kari Jobe and I used to have that song on repeat.

But today that Psalm because living, breathing, and real to my parched heart and soul.

He FILLS my cup. My measuring cup.

The cup I have been pouring blood sweat and tears into, He filled perfectly with His blood sweat and tears on the cross. (now I am crying the in dang Starbucks.)

I will never be enough on my own. I will never do enough to satisfy myself or the people who I have put up on a throne to impress. I will never be enough to bring joy or satisfaction to myself. My accomplishments are filthy rags and my gaze is often fixed on myself.

But my Jesus, He alone filled the measuring cup. It overflows with new mercies, grace, love, compassion, perfect judgment, goodness, and righteousness. It OVER-FREAKING-FLOWS! And I can do nothing to enhance it. It is perfect as it is. And when I try to fill my cup, I am rung dry.

He came to be rung out for me. He came to die. He came to restore my soul. He came to give my life value. He came to know me intimately. He came to satisfy His father. He came to fill my measuring cup.

My friend, take a look at your own cup. If you are in Christ, it is filled and overflowing.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk in the valley of the

shadow of death, I will fear no evil,

for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me 

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me 

all of the days of my life, 

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

- Psalm 23

walking faithfully...

This weekend I spent 6 hours in David's Bridal...

I was as tortuous as it sounds.

I tried on 1.6 million bridesmaids dresses and modeled for, at one point, 50 people. 

I sifted through hundreds of white dresses, trying to find the perfect one for one of the brides to be.

I caught myself, after looking at the 3rd rack of dresses, in tears. 

What if one day I never sift through wedding dresses for myself.

What if one day I never drag along my bridesmaids to a shop to watch me try on pretty dresses while drinking mimosas and crying over that "perfect dress."

What if one day I am never able to gush to my consultant about the the man, the proposal, the wedding, and my "happily ever after."

What if I never get to dance in the kitchen with the man I love, drop everything and go on a random road trip, or have someone laugh at me when I am in a pissy mood.

What if I never have a man to push me to love Jesus more, encourage me with the Gospel, and be my partner in ministry, life, parenting...

...what if I never am able to adopt my children from around the world.

What if I never go through the process of waiting for a picture, an age, gender, list of abnormalities, deformities, and other possible special needs.

What if I never have the sleepless nights holding my sick children, comforting them when they have a nightmare, or read them just one more story before bed. 

What if I never get my daughter ready for prom, teach my son how to treat a woman, or watch my kids have sweet relationships with each other like my sister and I. 

If I never have any of these things, will I be okay? Will I be able to get through the day? Will I be able to choose joy in my circumstances? Will I be able to say "It is well with my soul" and mean it...or believe it myself. 

I think it's possible. 

I have been going through the scenarios in my head and it terrifies me. 

But I am beginning to really believe that no matter what, Jesus is good. That no matter what, He is all I need to feel fulfilled. That no matter what, life is only worth living because he lives.

Lately God has been teaching me to be obedient and faithful in my daily walk. 

I have been trying to take things one day at a time and being conscious of where I go, the decisions I make, the conversations I have, and the way I spend my time. 

"Trust in the Lord and do what is good;
dwell in the land and live securely.
4 Take delight in the Lord,
and He will give you your heart’s desires."

- Psalm 37:3-4

When I learn to trust the Lord, desire Him, and draw near to Him, He will give me the desires of my heart, because my desires changes. HE becomes my desire.

So, I absolutely think it is possible, to believe and know, that Jesus, alone, is enough. 

The loneliness will suck. The longing to children may always be there. The want for a partner could always be my reality.

Maybe one day I will have these things, but for now I am going where I am called, staying where I am put, and giving what I've got, until I'm done.

I was made for loving Jesus. I was created to be fulfilled by him alone. I was given a holy calling from the Lord to live for him, know him, and make him known.

So I will be faithful in the walk. I will walk knowing and remembering that there has never been a day that I have walked alone, and there will never be a day He doesn't walk beside me, carrying me when I need it.

He is enough. He is everything. He is worth everything. He is worthy of you praise, your life, your all. 

Be faithful in the walk, my sister. 

"the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace..."

i want to run...

It's funny, the thought of running has always made me feel nauseous. Just the thought...

When I would actually have to run for sports, PE, to get those extra Weight Watchers points, or that one time I thought my friend was a bear (true story), I would ACTUALLY feel nauseous.

Through the nausea though, I always wanted to run a marathon...something I desire for the sole purpose of putting one of those 26.2 stickers on my car.

But the fear takes over my entire body and I can feel the nausea in my toes, and I forget about the damn sticker and eat 7 oreos...

Lately I have felt the need to run again. I have been struck with nausea to the very core of my person at the thought of it. But it's a different kind of running.

It's the kind of running that might be easier. Something that might make me comfortable. It's the workout that I am told will bring some rest and ease to my life.

Oh, I want to run. Hard and fast and for miles.

I want to run from where I have been placed. I desire to be closer with my family, making a decent paycheck, have a schedule that I design, and be able to go somewhere ALONE.

I want to run away from my problems, my fears, my stress, and my mind.

But all that will wait for me at my desired destination is despair, self - destruction, and a temporary fix.

The thought of running from where I have been placed, for such a time as this, placed with a calling, a HOLY calling...the thought of walking, no, running, away from this...oh, the blessings I would miss. The Joy I would lose...

So I will stay. I will find joy in the mess. I will be refined. I will look back and say "dang"...& then maybe something more poetic and pretty.

I want to run, but I will walk through this time. I will allow Him to carry me. I will not fear.

I will rest in THE perfect love. I will be refined. I will come out more dependent on the Lord. I will gaze upon him.

I will go where I am sent.
I will stay where I am put.
I will give all that I have, until He says I am done.

I will RUN, but only to the cross.

anna...

I spent some time with a friend studying the book of Luke and looking at how Jesus considered women. 

My mind went to the obvious, the woman at the well, the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears. Mary, Martha, and the woman bled for 12 years until she, in a great act of faith, touched the hem of Jesus' robe, because she knew that was all it would take for her to be healed from 12 years of ridicule, pain, embarrassment, and shame. Just a touch of his robe... But that is a post for another day. 

I flipped to the beginning of Luke, reading about how Jesus, as a child, treated his mother, and there was another story that caught my eye. Only 3 verses, but they struck me. 

Let me tell you about Anna.

After 40 days, Jesus was circumcised and presented in the temple. "a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and for glory to your people Israel." There are 3 verses that separate the ceremony and Mary and Joseph's departure back to Nazareth.

 This is where we find Anna.

Anna was a godly woman. A prophetess whom never left the temple, she just stayed and fasted and prayed.

Anna was pure. "She lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin..." 

Anna was set apart from the rest. She chose to live in a way that was set apart and holy just so she could be ready for the Lord to use her in anyway He would. 

And He did. 

Anna had been waiting for the Messiah her entire life. There are different theories on the exact age of Anna when she finally saw her savior, in the flesh, as a baby. But it is estimated that she was between the ages of 84-105. She lost her husband after only 7 years of marriage and kept herself pure, that she would be ready for every good work the Lord would have for her. 

It is probable that after Anna was left as a widow, she would have faced times of poverty, loneliness, depression, and of being an outcast. But I have to think that even in these times, she reminded herself that hope and salvation would come. So she waited.

and she waited..

and she waited..

and then a child was born.

Anna was bold. 

When she saw the face of the newborn king, she rejoiced to say the least. 

"she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem." 

What she had been hoping in for all of her life was a reality, right before her eyes, she could touch the babe who came to die. She knew who He was, who He would become, and who He still is today. 

The greatest contribution she could have made for the Kingdom, she made in her frailest state of life. She did exactly what she could with what she had. She had her voice, and so she used it. She had her faith, and she put it on display. She had her savior in front of her very eyes, and she proclaimed who He was above all else. 

I want to be an Anna.

Pure and ready for every good work.

Wait expectantly for the Lord to move and bring hope and restoration. 

Know that the Lord will do what He promises He will do.

Proclaim the savior who came to die, who did die, but at this moment lives. 

May I be like Anna. 

A humble servant, continually living in the presence of God. 

i don't know what will come of this...

I don't know what this is going to look like. 
I don't know that it needs to look like anything specific. 
I can make no promises about the material posted.
It might be rant-y at times.
It might be annoying and filled with poor grammar. 
I will probably misspell words and put commas in the oddest of places, completely changing the meaning of what I am intending to say..(shout out to Mrs. Holt, my college English professor... I still haven't mastered the comma thing..)
I love a good "..."

I don't have a clue of what this blog will lead to.
If anything at all.
I don't know if I will actually stick to a schedule, or even post again after this.
I might even leave this here and in a year try again...flashback to last year..and the year before.

I might share a story.
I might share a thought.
I might share a quiet time that struck me to the core.
I might share about a pair of shoes I love..(shout-out to Birkenstock)

I don't know.
Maybe no one will ever read this, and that will be okay.
Maybe I need to write more than I need someone to read it.

I guess we'll see.

Welcome to my life.