Saturday, August 12, 2017

measuring cups

I had a freaking revelation in a Starbucks today.

Jesus fills our measuring cups.

When I took on my new job it looked a little different that it does now. I am responsible for a lot more than I originally signed up for. I often feel as though I am drowning in responsibility and teenage hormones and I don't know how to deal most of the time.

I joke about it often, but fake it til ya make it is my new reality.

With this comes the idea that I need to impress everyone. Don't get me wrong, I could hide my terror for at least the first 2 weeks and would sit at my desk and cry for the first 2 weeks because daily my responsibilities were changing and I couldn't keep up. But much was expected of me, and I would not let people down...until I did.

I got "that" look. The look that says "I expected so much more" and "What kind of crap is this" and "you're a disappointment." Three strong phrases in one look, and I felt like everything was crashing down. I'll be honest though, I read a lot more into a look than I should have, but you didn't see it and and you didn't create it... I did. This is when I spiraled into a "survival mode." Staying up incredibly late trying to get things done so that I could be met in the morning with a "good girl" and a pat on the head like an animal - AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE DOGS.

I knew it was happening. I knew I was getting fixed on myself and I knew the dangers in getting so caught up in the mission and the organization, but I got lost. Before I could look at myself and see what I was doing, I got lost.

This summer was a dry one. (but not really because it rained all the dang time - Praise God.) I spent my time running around getting things done, making sure everyone was at least half way functioning,  filled, and not getting sick. I took on more stress than needed, mostly because I thought I held it all together myself. I took pride in my work, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I thought I had it. Then I got that look again, and it was like someone set the balls I had been juggling on fire. I couldn't keep up.

You would think I would drop the dang balls and run to a healer, but no, I just kept throwing them, faster and harder and I just kept dropping the dang balls... (okay, I am done with that analogy.)

I have hit a wall. Summer is OVER!!!!! But I sit here in this Starbucks, getting some work done and thinking about my list of to-dos sitting on my desk on the mountain top I call home, and anxiety and angst fill my heart.

I opened my bible to a familiar Psalm and read a passage I have inscribed in my mind, but apparently not on my heart. Psalm 23.

I first memorized this Psalm without knowing it. It was quoted at the of a live recording of "Running After You" by Kari Jobe and I used to have that song on repeat.

But today that Psalm because living, breathing, and real to my parched heart and soul.

He FILLS my cup. My measuring cup.

The cup I have been pouring blood sweat and tears into, He filled perfectly with His blood sweat and tears on the cross. (now I am crying the in dang Starbucks.)

I will never be enough on my own. I will never do enough to satisfy myself or the people who I have put up on a throne to impress. I will never be enough to bring joy or satisfaction to myself. My accomplishments are filthy rags and my gaze is often fixed on myself.

But my Jesus, He alone filled the measuring cup. It overflows with new mercies, grace, love, compassion, perfect judgment, goodness, and righteousness. It OVER-FREAKING-FLOWS! And I can do nothing to enhance it. It is perfect as it is. And when I try to fill my cup, I am rung dry.

He came to be rung out for me. He came to die. He came to restore my soul. He came to give my life value. He came to know me intimately. He came to satisfy His father. He came to fill my measuring cup.

My friend, take a look at your own cup. If you are in Christ, it is filled and overflowing.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk in the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me 
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me 
all of the days of my life, 
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

- Psalm 23