I was as tortuous as it sounds.
I tried on 1.6 million bridesmaids dresses and modeled for, at one point, 50 people.
I sifted through hundreds of white dresses, trying to find the perfect one for one of the brides to be.
I caught myself, after looking at the 3rd rack of dresses, in tears.
What if one day I never sift through wedding dresses for myself.
What if one day I never drag along my bridesmaids to a shop to watch me try on pretty dresses while drinking mimosas and crying over that "perfect dress."
What if one day I am never able to gush to my consultant about the the man, the proposal, the wedding, and my "happily ever after."
What if I never get to dance in the kitchen with the man I love, drop everything and go on a random road trip, or have someone laugh at me when I am in a pissy mood.
What if I never have a man to push me to love Jesus more, encourage me with the Gospel, and be my partner in ministry, life, parenting...
...what if I never am able to adopt my children from around the world.
What if I never go through the process of waiting for a picture, an age, gender, list of abnormalities, deformities, and other possible special needs.
What if I never have the sleepless nights holding my sick children, comforting them when they have a nightmare, or read them just one more story before bed.
What if I never get my daughter ready for prom, teach my son how to treat a woman, or watch my kids have sweet relationships with each other like my sister and I.
If I never have any of these things, will I be okay? Will I be able to get through the day? Will I be able to choose joy in my circumstances? Will I be able to say "It is well with my soul" and mean it...or believe it myself.
I think it's possible.
I have been going through the scenarios in my head and it terrifies me.
But I am beginning to really believe that no matter what, Jesus is good. That no matter what, He is all I need to feel fulfilled. That no matter what, life is only worth living because he lives.
Lately God has been teaching me to be obedient and faithful in my daily walk.
I have been trying to take things one day at a time and being conscious of where I go, the decisions I make, the conversations I have, and the way I spend my time.
When I learn to trust the Lord, desire Him, and draw near to Him, He will give me the desires of my heart, because my desires changes. HE becomes my desire.
So, I absolutely think it is possible, to believe and know, that Jesus, alone, is enough.
The loneliness will suck. The longing to children may always be there. The want for a partner could always be my reality.
Maybe one day I will have these things, but for now I am going where I am called, staying where I am put, and giving what I've got, until I'm done.
I was made for loving Jesus. I was created to be fulfilled by him alone. I was given a holy calling from the Lord to live for him, know him, and make him known.
So I will be faithful in the walk. I will walk knowing and remembering that there has never been a day that I have walked alone, and there will never be a day He doesn't walk beside me, carrying me when I need it.
He is enough. He is everything. He is worth everything. He is worthy of you praise, your life, your all.
Be faithful in the walk, my sister.
"the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace..."